Pretty sure words are the most powerful force on earth.

Fire? Water? Sulfuric acid? Fogeddaboutit. People use words to hurt, lie, influence, change. Words can build up falsities and destroy beauty. People use words every day, and the scary part is, I don't think they understand the invincible weapon they always have at the ready. There are an infinite number of combinations, and changing one word can change a whole meaning. This is way relaying messages and gossiping and being a go-between always backfires. Words are inconsiderately tossed around, when a real sit-down conversation is the best way to communicate. I'm not sure about other people, but I put a lot of stock into words. When I'm told something, I obsess if the same person then tells me the opposite. It's so easy to manipulate and hurt people this way, even unintentionally. So I urge everyone, please be careful with your weapon. It has powers that are not yet understood.

Forbidden to remember, terrified to forget

From New Moon. Yeah, I'm one of those people. But it's actually a valid point. There so much instances in my life where I can relay almost exact conversation, or things that have spanned over months but I can remember it perfectly. Is this really a good thing? Or is it better to forget? I can't decide if it's worth it to struggle to hold onto these memories. They don't seem like they'll disappear anytime soon, but I'm already afraid of the day when I wake up and they're not there. One could argue that it's all these things that make up a person. Remembering exact instances aren't important, because it's what you got out of them that make up who you are today. Sometimes being able to remember the little things is all that I have left to hold onto, and it's organized and makes me relieved when I can still all play it back in my head. But on the other hand, sometimes it hurts, feels like it'd be better to forget some things, and just continue along with the memories on the road behind me. I haven't yet decided which side I've been on.

There's no such thing as secrets

unless you keep them to yourselves. There may be one exception out of a hundred, but eventually, something that you didn't want to become public knowledge will be let out. This is my experience, at least. It's not even intentional hurt being the goal, it's the old one person tells someone, they tell someone, and on and on, until everyone knows. Sometimes I don't mind this. I may have told one person and just not got around to telling others yet. At the same time, it's my life. Aren't I allowed privacy sometimes, allowed to NOT share things? What I hate the most is when that information is used against you, or brought up at totally wrong times. Usually no one has a clue how much they can actually be hurting, by opening their mouths. It's enough to make me want to run far away, until no one knows anything, and I can start fresh. I want to keep it all to myself, tell no one nothing, but that never works. And I'm not sure I want to be that alone either.

Sometimes truth is good. It's usually much better than being coy and playing mind games to get what you want. I wish people would just out and say things, when the time is right. Not bitchy hurtful things. Feelings that you really want to tell someone, but don't have the courage to. Oh it's all so overrated in not saying how you feel. So you end up watching chances fade, and wondering what's real. I can't really say much about that; I'd be a huge hypocrite. But at the same time I'm sick of opening up and having it thrown back at me. I want someone else to take the chance, to put the ball in my court.

Dark Blue by Jack's Mannequin is in my head.

This flood is slowly rising up swallowing the ground
Beneath my feet, tell me how anybody thinks under this condition so
I'll swim as the water rises up, the sun is sinking down
And now all I can see are the planets in a row
Suggesting it's best that I slow down

This night's a perfect shade of
Dark blue
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room when I'm here with you
I said the world could be burning down
Dark blue
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room well I'm here with you
I said the world could be burning dark blue.

(8)

Last night, Motion City Soundtrack, Illscarlett, Jack's Mannequin, Weezer.
Amazing.
I can't even describe how blown away it makes me feel. Never heard J'sM before, but it was breathtaking. I love rockish kind of music with piano. It has so much beauty and expression in it. I'm sort of sad that I didn't know their songs when I saw them, but I'm learning now, and I'll appreciate it just as much. Same goes for MCS. I was so pumped for them to play Hold Me Down; they didn't, and I only knew a couple of the ones they played, but I loved it. They were first, and the crowd was warming up and all moving in time, they just created an amazing atmosphere. I can't put it into words.
This is why music is so popular. For the indescribable emotions running through you, that are powerful enough to fuel one to do anything.

You know you're not a kid anymore when the time comes and you don't have an advent calendar.

So sad.
I sorta feel like this is defining year between childhood and becoming an adult. There's stuff I used to love and haven't had time to do, and then there's all the new stuff I never used to do.

This post has a whole bunch of stuff. It's like my online diary, I swear.

First, adding to my other post, I've realized people can talk about themselves for an extraordinarily long time. Not just being egotistical, but because that's what they're sure about, what they know about. And if they're like me, they wanna see what other people think of what they do. Maybe that's just me being naive, I dunno. I prefer to think of it that way. When people do talk that way, I love hearing it. I'm working on not interrupting with my own life story, because I usually want to hear theirs. It goes back my thing how I don't like gossip because it's fun to cackle over, I like it because of the insight you can get it.

Speaking of gossip, I recently heard about someone who ditched another someone for a third someone else. A whole lot of betrayal and hurt and all that fun stuff there. What I wanna know is, why? What makes people act like that? It seems really horrible to me, but maybe it's just because I haven't been there. On the other hand, there's some really low things that I just cannot get over. Some people are honestly, just so mean. There's no other word for it. Inconsiderate, selfish, cruel, all rolled into one. I guess that's a part of life, but I wish that people, especially kids my age, could see how they hurt people when they act so selfishly.

The main thing that came into my head today that I wanted to jot down was music. I hear people proclaim that music is their life, need it to live, yadda yadda. I used to think that was an overreaction. Sure music is great, but I don't see how it runs your life. I just did not understand the drive, but now I'm thinking I do. In the past couple months I've uncovered so many songs that fit my mood exactly, or help get me out of a mood, or that I can completely relate to. Some are songs I've known for a while and now are just seeing in a new light, and some I've stumbled upon and immediately fell in love with These songs make up a part of my life, because they describe things I've lived through. I don't really know how to express it better than that. The song I mentioned before, Memories Fade Like Photographs, falls into the category. A song that I've listened to before maybe once a year ago or something, I listened to a few days ago, and it's been playing in my head constantly, like the others. Gravity did that, too. But these two, and all the others, are in different ways for the messages they convey. My song is Hold Me Down by Motion City Soundtrack.

I found a letter that said:
"I'm sorry that you were asleep when I wrote these words down,"
You'd think I'd ought to be used to that by now.
Save for a few of those late night episodes,
Missed opportunities, and "I Don't Cares,"
There's not a lot that I feel obliged to share or talk about.

I'll have my brother stop by this Saturday to pick up my things,
Just make sure you're not there.
This may sound bad, and don't take it the wrong way..
I love you, however,
You hold me down.

You're the echoes of my everything,
You're the emptiness the whole world sings at night.
You're the laziness of afternoon,
You're the reason why I burst and why I bloom.
How will I break the news to you?

Cancel our dinner with Max and Coraline,
feed Jacky's gerbil and try to stay clean.
We'll talk it over after I've had some time alone to sort it out.
You hold me down.

You're the echoes of my everything,
You're the emptiness the whole world sings at night.
You're the laziness of afternoon,
You're the reason why I burst and why I bloom.
You're the leaky sink of sentiment,
You're the failed attempts I never could forget.
You're the metaphors I can't create to comprehend this curse that I call love..
How will I break the news to you?

The last paragraph is one of my favourite parts, simply because of the words created phrases that I feel but never could have articulated myself. Another favourite line is the last two, in the second last paragraph. I get the feeling that this guy is going over everything that has happened, and it's all a spinning blur, and the words "you hold me down" are the main ones that keep jumping out at him. Dunno if that's what it's meant to be, but that's my interpretation, and that's what matters right?

Anyway, that's what's been on my mind for the past couple days. Songs like this will probably come and go and be posted up here and analyzed and the like, but I don't think I can ever truly convey what they mean to me at the right moment.

November 23rd.

I said I'd never forget your face
Vaulted away inside my head
And memories never seem to fade
You were the best part of my life, my last regret.
Memories Fade Like Photographs - All Time Low
Sorta the song of the day, but it's not going away either.

A year ago was the happiest day of my life.
It feels like so much has changed, and so much has happened, but some things are still concrete.
I wonder if I'm the only one thinking about it. I don't which is scarier, that I am or I might not be.

"You is nosing, you is!"

I ask a lot of questions. Sometimes they can be rude, or sound demanding, or about things that are really none of my business. This definitely makes me sound nosy, and I sort of am, but not for usual reasons. I don't take private things people tell me and spread them around. I don't hold thoughts friends tell me in their moments of vulnerability and use them as a weapon. I keep secrets that aren't mine to tell. It's always fun to know gossip, but I don't dig and pry to get all up in grills. I ask because I want to understand. There's mysteries in everyone; stuff to complex for them to even know yet. I want to unravel these. I always want to know what's going on in the head in front of me, why they do what they, what they're thinking. My level of interest varies depending who it is, but it's almost always there. I don't have horrible ulterior motives when I ask questions about people's lives, I just want to try to piece things together in my own head. So if anyone I know ever reads this, I'm sorry for sounding rude. It's all in my quest for knowledge.

Gravity

Gravity is working against me,
and gravity wants to bring me down.

The day's song.

I feel like there's so many responsibilities sometimes, and none the next. The determination to clean and do homework and plan for my future flares like a spark one minute, and is out like the proverbial light the next. I feel like I take on so much, and don't up doing it, or just not seeing the fruits of my labour. Sometimes I feel a masochistic pride in thinking that I'm running myself into the ground; I take on things because when a challenge is offered to me, I can't say no. I know I can't always be the best, but I need to be good. I want to be the one that can do it all, the one people go to and can rely on. Do I have a need to prove myself? Maybe. But not to anyone else, only to me.

Perspective

Lately, school has been so ridiculous. It seems like there's so much homework and projects and all that, but actual class time is such a waste, we don't do anything. Assignments that have potential to be interesting turn out to be annoying work, and the point of them gets lost in the shuffle. We were given an assignment for sociology to interview a stay-at-home mom, and a career mom, and compare them. I thought, great, I'm going to have to randomly talk to people, I have no time, etc., all the complaints I usually make. But today I actually conducted the interviews, and I learned a lot. I saw two opposite perspectives, but with the same virtues and qualities that all mothers possess. It was amazing to be spoken to and treated like an adult, and discuss such mature concepts. The first interviewee, I could see her devotion to her family, and it was touching. I understood exactly where she was coming from, and I felt like I could put myself in her shoes. My other interviewee was inspiring. Her whole life she's worked, and the way she describes mixing it with her family was so committed, and she spoke so passionately. This is one of the only things I've ever done for school that has actually opened my eyes to something in the real world, and although he may never see it, I actually thank my teacher for giving the chance.
I can't really articulate what I want to say here, and unfortunately that happens a lot.

On a lighter note, me and Lindsay started the first of what I hope to be many dinners, woo! IGA and cooking, what more can you want. First taken by me, second two taken by her. Yeah, we're that cool.

The Beauty

There's those days where you run into an asshole, or forget your homework, or spill on your clothes. They make you hate the world, and just have bad thoughts towards everything in it. The things that aren't more talked about, are the days where one appreciates the world. A time when you look around and see the beauty in a falling leaf, or a child on a swing, or one blooming flower. Me, I do this every day. At least once a day I'm outside, and I always notice these things. The wonder of the world's everyday miraculous creations fill me with awe, make me feel small and at the same time like I'm part of it. Today as I was walking to work, the sun had already begun to set. The fall air was crisp, and it was just so beautiful outside I couldn't stop marvelling all around me. Usually these moods are influenced by a song, and today when I remembered the beauty I was listening to Gravity Rides Everything by Modest Mouse. It makes me sad that people nowadays don't notice these small things that make up the beautiful bigger picture, but hopefully there are people out there who get what I'm talking about.

Soooooo.

I created this blog in January, as part of a school assignment. I randomly thought of it again tonight and checked it out. I decided, I sort of want to start this up again. I deleted all the old posts, which are always horrible to look back on. My layout is sorta messed, so I just wasted pretty much an hour trying to fix it, not doing homework. Hopefully I can somehow dig up the original layout one day again.

So, blogging. I never really understood the world of blogging. Do people really want to hear me talk about whatever it is I talk about? If I don't tell people to find me, how can they? Can you actually get famous bloggers like famous youtubers? I always thought it was sort of silly. But lately I've been thinking, I'm feeling sort of creative, nothing structured or sensical or good at all, but I'd still like a place to record it all. Somewhere I can talk about my day, write down lyrics, include a picture or two. I have a Flickr, where I'm currently trying to post a picture a day, I'll include the link sometime. Maybe my answer is blogging.

To start: right now I'm listening to the Edge, my favourite station. Have been for the last 3 hours, and Thursday 30 just started, which is fantastic. This station plays everything I love, and this afternoon played a Matthew Good song that's been in my head the last week constantly, Last Parade. Seeing him in December!

I probably shouldn't spend too much time on this, gotta do some homework. That's the useless thing about trying to find online sources for an essay at home, so darn distracting. Hopefully I can get it all done tonight, maybe spend more time trying to fix all this up!